


Between Two Lungs

by Pandir



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Breathplay, Choking, M/M, dissociation and identity struggles, some deep-rooted issues and lack of communication but they work it out, warning for what might be read as suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 18:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12658614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandir/pseuds/Pandir
Summary: “I prefer you doing it”, Atem told him, quietly, interweaving Kaiba’s slender fingers with his own, “Just you and your hands. Nothing else.”-A short fic inspired by a convo about the possibilities of Atem & Kaiba and breathplay as means for Atem to relinquish control.This got a bit more existential than that premise might suggest.





	Between Two Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the same vague post-DSOD-ish setting as [Restraint and Release](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11920839), where Atem has a body & life of his own, and also is in a rather unconventional relationship with Kaiba, but it's only loosely connected.

Sometimes, Atem closed the collar around his neck a little tighter when he got dressed in the morning. Just enough that it would press against his Adam’s apple, to make him feel constant rhythm of his pulse against the leather, to make each breath slightly uncomfortable, but conscious and deliberate.

Sometimes, Atem still felt uneasy, like a stranger in his own body, which was even harder to grasp considering the existence he’d become so used to had been a shared one in a body that had not been his.

It was quiet in his thoughts, and just like his memories, even though some might have been through Yugi’s eyes, there were all his own.

There was no vast, dark labyrinth in his soul anymore, and it was a relief.

But somehow, this simple clarity unsettled him at times. Being all that he thought and felt, being so immediate and present, could be overwhelming.

On the way home on the subway or even on the bed in his own room, when he was playing games on his phone, Atem had started the habit of pressing his palm to his chest and let the rhythm of his heart calm him.

He was just himself now. He was real.

Sometimes, he was not sure what that meant.

Sometimes, he struggled to believe it.

In a way, he knew he should be glad that the duels with his and his friends’ life on the line were over. And it was certainly not like he wished anyone of them would be in mortal danger. But when he remembered how his heart had been beating in his throat, the visceral fear and the rush of adrenaline, he could not deny that there’d been something about the thrill that had drawn him to it. There had been something intoxicating about feeling so overwhelmingly, unmistakably alive.

The worst part was that he could not tell Yugi. He didn’t want him to be too concerned. After all, Atem was barely able to discern his emotional struggles himself, and he did not know how to put them into words.

At times, though, he wondered if Kaiba would understand.

*

Atem had been mulling it over in his head for weeks now, but whenever he and Kaiba were together, Atem did not breech the subject. He didn’t even know where to start.

It was not that he was afraid of Kaiba’s judgment. After all, Kaiba allowed himself to be tied up by Atem on a regular basis to relief himself of his own struggles, and Atem knew there was no weakness in that. But he also knew Kaiba was not able to do the same to him - he was not suited for taking care of someone while calling the shots, they had both agreed on that.

The problem was that Atem did not even know what he’d want for Kaiba to do.

He could not exactly ask him for a death match, could he? In fact, Atem liked to hope they’d left that sort of thing behind them.

In the end, it was not his lack of imagination when it came to what Kaiba could do to him that he struggled with, it was the question whether he would even be able to let him. Could he allow himself to be at Kaiba’s mercy the same way Kaiba submitted to him? It was a question of trust, of knowing the other and himself. Atem knew Kaiba so well that there had always been something immensely comforting about it.

It was himself that he was uncertain of.

 

Kaiba, of course, put his finger right into the wound.

“You indulge me”, he said one evening without any preamble.  
  
Atem was sitting on his couch, idly testing Kaiba’s digitalized card database on one of Kaiba’s tablets while he’d been waiting for Kaiba to stop obsessing over whatever dragon-shaped design he needed to include in his latest technologic venture.

Surprised that Kaiba had actually closed his laptop all on his own to abandon his work this early in the evening, Atem looked up to find Kaiba was standing beside him.

“I know you do”, Kaiba continued before Atem could deny it. “And I don’t like being in your debt.”

“You’re not in my debt”, Atem insisted. They were both well aware that Atem had sexual desires that Kaiba did not experience, but Kaiba should know Atem was not missing anything - he liked the unusual nature and the tension of their elaborate games.

Kaiba made a dismissive noise. “Don’t tell me there’s nothing that _you_ want out of this.”

Atem stared up to him, suddenly feeling caught. How did Kaiba always manage to put him on the spot like this?

Kaiba squared his shoulders beneath his dark turtleneck as he readied himself for any response, but Atem did not know how to ask for it. Somehow, this was even harder than he’d thought.

He wanted to be able to fall so badly, but he was still scared to let go. But he needed to confront what he was dreading, that was the only option. To answer Kaiba’s demand, he had to push forward.

With quick, skilled movements, Atem took off his collar and put it over the armrest before he held out his hands, palms facing up. “Give me your hands.”

“What? Why?”  
  
Of course, Kaiba could never just oblige, that was not how he was wired. But as Atem reached out and took his hands, he realized how tense Kaiba was, and he briefly wondered if Kaiba really was expecting him to ask for something outright sexual.

Atem pulled him down to give him a kiss on the corner of his mouth, not quite sure if it was just Kaiba that he wanted to reassure. When he broke the kiss, Atem guided Kaiba’s hands to his throat and looked up to him, his gaze challenging. “Because I want you to choke me.”

For a few agonizing heartbeats, Kaiba did not move. Then, finally, his long slender fingers easily closed around Atem’s thin throat and their slight pressure was not unpleasant, much like the familiar tightness of the collar. Their eyes locked, and Atem met Kaiba’s scrutinizing gaze with defiance.

But Kaiba did not ask for his reasons. He simply announced: “I won’t stop until you tell me to.” 

Atem understood the hidden question, and he nodded, his pulse thick under the constraints of Kaiba’s fingers. “You asked what I wanted”, he said, his voice calm even though his mouth was dry with a strange anticipation. “I need you to not go easy on me.”

At first, Kaiba was almost tentative, increasing the pressure on Atem’s Adam’s apple until it hurt to swallow, but when Atem urged him on by digging his fingers into Kaiba’s wrists, Kaiba finally delivered. Atem had not doubted he would – after all, he had all but challenged him. Before Atem knew it, Kaiba was kneeling above him, pressing him against back of the couch and Atem found himself gagging helplessly as he pushed his hands against Kaiba’s shoulders.

His heart was racing as the frantic hunger for air turned into something akin to panic and his finger nails dug into Kaiba’s skin. Kaiba was stronger than him. He could fight, but he could not win this.

But as he looked into Kaiba’s eyes that were daring him to give in, Atem could not. He knew he should tap his arm, make a noise, do anything, but all he did was cling to him.

By now, he could barely think, his pulse loud in his ears and thoughts slipping away from him as he struggled for breath, and fear mingling with lightheadedness. He did not even know what he was trying to prove, all he knew was that he could not give in.

This was Kaiba’s call to make. He had to accept whatever he deserved.

Black spots darkened his vision, and for a clouded moment, Atem thought he saw Kaiba standing on the battlements of Pegasus’ castle, his coat flowing about him in the wind as he stood above the abyss. Then Kaiba’s voice cut through Atem’s slipping consciousness, and to his mild surprise, Kaiba was not ordering him to attack.

He was calling his name.

Atem found himself lying on the couch in Kaiba’s living room, drawing quick, shallow breaths, and as his lungs filled with air, he felt a strange relief, almost like an absolution. Kaiba had released him at some point, though Atem struggled to remember the exact moment.

Kaiba’s hands were on his shoulders now, and Atem could hear the strain in Kaiba’s voice when he called out to him again. _Atem_. It sounded strange out of his mouth still, but it tugged at Atem’s heart in a way that felt right, and Atem had come to treasure that feeling.

As Atem blinked to focus, he saw Kaiba’s face hovering above him, upset and furious.

“Didn’t I say you should tell me when to stop?”

Slowly, Atem sat up and rubbed his throat. It hurt when he swallowed, but as far as he could tell, he seemed fine.

“You did”, Atem croaked. He didn’t say: _But we both knew that I wouldn’t._

Drawing a few deep, greedy breaths that made him feel dizzy, Atem was not sure what he had expected anymore. He closed his eyes to listen to the overwhelming thumping of his racing heart, and he tried to pinpoint the part about it that had almost, _almost_ felt right, but all he felt was conflicted and things refused to fall into place.

If Atem was entirely honest, the crux of it had not only been pride. There had been guilt mixed into it, too.

When Atem left, his throat still raw, he couldn’t help but to feel a bit disappointed in both of them.

*

They did not talk about this the next week, nor the week after, and Atem was grateful for it, even though he was a bit worried about what Kaiba might have taken away from this.

Now it was definitely guilt that made Atem avoid the subject, though a quite different kind. He shouldn’t have dragged Kaiba into this. It was probably for the best if they never touched that topic again.

Their unspoken agreement was why Atem did not expect anything out of the ordinary when Kaiba called him over earlier than usual. After all, it had become almost a routine at this point - Atem liked to hang out on the couch across from Kaiba’s desk while Kaiba was working, and they both had come to appreciate each other’s quiet presence. Atem would entertain himself by solving puzzles and playing games on his phone or watching TV, unless Kaiba occasionally asked for his input.

When Atem sat down on his usual spot on the small couch, however, he immediately spotted an odd device on the couch table. It seemed to be a black mask with a weirdly technical mouthpiece and a bag attached to it.

“What is this?”, he asked, holding it up demonstratively.

Kaiba didn’t look up from his laptop screen. “A re-breather”, he said, as if that had been obvious. “Used by divers, repurposed to restrict the oxygen supply in…”, he paused, then added in a wry tone, “--other scenarios.”

So Kaiba had been thinking about it. Atem considered the device, turning it in his hands.

Instead of placing any blame, Kaiba had decided that the fault had been with the method. It was an unexpectedly comforting way to look at it. In a way, it did make sense. Asking Kaiba to choke him like this had turned out to be not suitable, so what Kaiba provided him with a more controlled, less risky option.

Maybe this odd contraption was Kaiba’s way of apologizing. Atem quickly decided that he needed neither.

“I appreciate it”, he said, eventually, and he meant it. It was strange - in a way, Kaiba had understood him better than he had himself. What Atem craved was the high, the thrill, and somehow it had never occurred to him that he could have that without the downsides.

Now that was a thought worth exploring.

“But this is how _you_ would prefer it, Kaiba”, Atem concluded as he put the device down and got up to walk over to Kaiba, who kept his eyes still fixed on the laptop. “Of course, we can try that sometime if you want to”, he added with a smile as he leaned against the armrest of Kaiba’s office chair.

There was the faintest of blush on Kaiba’s cheeks as he finally turned to look at him. “This is about you, not me", he insisted, almost defensively.

With sudden seriousness, Atem placed his hand on Kaiba’s, and Kaiba’s fingers froze on the keyboard.

“I prefer you doing it”, Atem told him, quietly, interweaving Kaiba’s slender fingers with his own, “Just you and your hands. Nothing else.”

For a moment, Kaiba did not move at all, then he pulled his hand out of Atem’s grasp and turned his head away, suddenly very busy again with typing rather vehemently. “If you insist”, he said curtly, but Atem could see his ears flush.

Atem concluded that he shouldn’t feel too bad or selfish about his request. It was a relief to know that Kaiba did not seem all that opposed.

They could work on this.

It was hard not to feel slightly anxious, yet all the more excited at the prospect.

*

It turned out that Kaiba had been right with his approach. They weren’t so different in their needs. Just like Kaiba’s desires had been learning experience for both of them, they just hadn’t found the right angle yet.

There was nothing either of them had to prove. It was about pleasure, and it was about letting go. And as important as it was that Atem would tap Kaiba’s arm if it didn’t feel right, and it was equally important that Kaiba knew when to stop when he didn’t. This was the true challenge about this delicate struggle – to know each other and to know the exact limits.

Straightforward strangling was doing neither of them a favour, Atem agreed on that. It was too dangerous in many ways, and it was not fair to put that kind of responsibility on Kaiba’s shoulders.

Luckily, Kaiba turned out to be quite resourceful and he was quick to learn how to fully exploit this new-found powerful weapon to make Atem come entirely undone.

It was frustratingly easy for Kaiba to simply use his body weight when he was lying on top of Atem, pinning him down as they kissed and effectively compressing Atem’s lungs, making each intake of air seem harder than the last. Kaiba’s chest was rigid against his own, constricting, but not crushing, and Atem could feel his heart beating against his ribs as he drew greedy, shallow breaths in between fevered kisses.

Then Kaiba put his hand on Atem’s throat, increasing the pressure right below his jaw with just enough force that the wind pipe was uncomfortably restricted and Atem’s breaths were labored and strained, his pulse racing helplessly under Kaiba’s fingers and the thrill of it was intoxicating as it teetered at the edge of panic.

Without much thinking, Atem dug his fingers into Kaiba's arms and he welcomed the reassuring weight of Kaiba's body as he shifted beneath him.

His head started to feel a little lighter, and with Kaiba above him so present and unyielding, everything was starting to fall into place.

It was then that Kaiba decided to let go and lift the pressure, kissing Atem’s neck where his fingers had just been.

“Seto”, Atem gasped, not even bothering to catch his breath first, “please.”

The self-satisfied smirk tugging at the corners of Kaiba’s mouth made Atem regret he ever begged, but what was worse, it made his cheeks flush and him feel oddly transparent, and he groaned in frustration. Before he could do anything else, Kaiba pushed him down again, covering his mouth with his hand and pinching his nose. Atem struggled, shoving and squirming, and Kaiba let him, allowing him to fight in vain as he was holding him down with his body, until the visceral need for air and the rush of adrenaline made Atem feel lightheaded and hot and overwhelmed, and a whine tore from his throat.

He held onto Kaiba as his thinking started to dissolve into nothing but need, and he was left gasping for oxygen when Kaiba released him, letting this slow, intense high wash over him.

Kaiba kissed him with sudden vehemence, but Atem’s mind was reeling and he could barely catch his breath enough to haphazardly kiss him back, his hands still on Kaiba’s shoulders as if to steady himself.

Afterwards, while Atem lay on his back on Kaiba’s bed, gathering his senses and filling his lungs with deep, deliberate breaths, he searched for Kaiba’s hand, and Kaiba’s fingers closed tightly around his. There was no trace of smugness on Kaiba’s face now, but an unusual, searching look in his eyes that only vanished when Atem smiled up at him, exhausted but satisfied.

Even now, Atem found it hard to express what it was about this instinctive struggle and this high mingled with fear that enticed him so much, yet it was about more than him simply craving that thrill.

All he knew was that when he was lying by Kaiba’s side, his blood still so hot under his skin as his body was heaving with each swell of his lungs, all of him elated and warm and so overwhelmingly alive, Atem felt truly and entirely whole.

**Author's Note:**

> don't do strangulation at home, kids - and if you do, be careful with your carotid sinuses


End file.
